She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
