When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
