You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
