what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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