I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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