I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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