Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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