Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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