seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize