Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
