I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
