life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
