I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
