I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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