I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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