At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
