I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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