My hair reeks of homosexuality.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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