I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
