You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
