So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
