There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
