So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
