At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
