Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
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