You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize