I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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