hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
