Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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