The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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