I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
