hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
