True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
