Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
