So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
