the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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