what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
