Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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