I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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