I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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