Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Randomize
