I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
