Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
