Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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