he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
