***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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