Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
