I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
