Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
