just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just invented taco cereal.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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