Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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