Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
