my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
