When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
