I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
