haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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