Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize