You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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