my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
