You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
