I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I really donβt want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
