I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize