After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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