a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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