the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
