If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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