When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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