It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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