Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I accidentally had phone sex last night
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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